When it gets cold like this—(‘How cold is it?’ the
disembodied voice of Ed McMahon asks in my very much embodied brain)—like well below
thirty degrees (Fahrenheit), and twenty nine is well below thirty when we get
down in this range, I know what to do.
At least, I know what I do.
I get out the old Ipod touch (circa 2008, I like vintage
issues), jack it into the Bose sound system I bought (equal payments spread
over 12 months, which somehow I have turned into a lifetime of debt penury),
tap on the playlist called “Surf,” crank up the volume to the point just below
where the fillings in my teeth would liquefy, and grab my board. That last bit—about
the board—that’s metaphorically speaking.
Not that I don’t have a board…well, actually not that I
actually have a board. I have pictures
of boards, lots of pictures of lots of boards, so I grab one or more of them,
and that’s close enough, or as close as I care to get. To the board.
Same-same, as we used to say, back in the day.
I always wanted to be a surfer…ever since I heard surf
music. Even before I could distinguish
Dick Dale from Link Wray from the Chantays from the Ventures from the
Trashmen. All that mattered then, as it
does now, was that sound, that electrified glass Mexican ukulele equal parts
ice and mercury sound. And the pictures
that went along with it; that were produced by it. Warmth.
Warm water. Warm sunshine. Warm sand.
Warm bodies.
How old was I at the time?
Who was counting, back then, especially now when I’m old enough to know
better and will never tell? All I know
was that I knew there was a place, there had to be a place where people, kids
actually, as kids were the people I cared about, were living the life in the
pictures created by the electrified glass Mexican ukulele equal parts ice and
mercury sound.
We had kids here, where I lived too, but they weren’t living
in any picture of warmth, believe me. Plus,
those kids, over there, had an ocean.
Which we did not.
And girls. We had
girls too, but these girls, being real, weren’t about to waste their precious
time with me.
And their girls
were blonde, or blondes, real blondes,
not like the suicide blondes that weren’t about to waste their precious time
with me. Those blondes weren’t coming my
way. They weren’t going my way,
either. Which didn’t give me a whole lot
of confidence in my way. As a matter of
fact, pretty much nothing was going my way, which, I’m sure, you’ve already
figured out is the back story to this back story.
But enough about that.
Nobody’s looking for pity here.
Least of all me and even if I were I wouldn’t look for it from or among
you lot. No way, Jose.
Those kids had the Pacific Ocean, blondes, bikinis, and
wonder of wonder, parents who didn’t mind, or didn’t care, if those kids spent
hours, days, school years at the beach exposing flesh to wind, sun, salt, and
each other, in excess. IN EXCESS. What lovely words.
Where was I?
Here? There? Now?
Then? Whatever. I wanted to be a surfer for reasons too
numerous to mention which I have already enumerated.
And I could have been one, too. Except… well I hated water. Still do.
Don’t even drink it, if I can avoid it,
unless it’s convincingly masked by something else, that something else
being alcohol whenever possible.
Swimming? Then? Only because I had to in order to pass
physical education in order to graduate high school, so I could avoid being
drafted and go to college and be drafted after I graduated college. Helluva plan.
Swimming? Now? Out of the question. Part of being an adult, a senior adult is being able to arrange
one’s life to never ever do again the things you always hated doing. Like high school. Like dating.
Like getting drafted. I pity you,
you young ones. Not that I’m
gloating. It’s not nice to gloat, and
if you think I am, well go ahead and sue me, pischers. Take it up with my
lawyer. Hah, hah.
Where was I?
Swimming? No. Not swimming?
Correctomundo! That certainly
puts a crimp in the old surfing safari, though, doesn’t it?
And then again, I lived in the Midwest, back in the day when
it was the industrial Midwest. We had
rivers and lakes. We even had something
that qualified as a Great Lake, but really, everything’s relative—great compared
to other lakes, pathetic compared to the ocean, even if such a comparison could
be made, which it should not be. Besides, a lake is water.
Even if I didn’t hate water, I was hardly about to venture
into a lake, or worse yet the river, which was truly more industrial canal than
river, with rats just a bit smaller than alligators and twice as territorial.
So surfing then? Not
happening.
I didn’t get to California until I was nineteen and by then
I thought I was probably too old and it
was probably too late to learn how to surf, surfing being in my mind akin to
ballet or Olympic gymnastics—start young or never.
Where did that leave me?
Here? There? There it left me on the beach, scanning the
beach for real blondes in real bikinis.
That was as close as I got to surfing… then. And it was close, but no cigar.
Still, I actually saw the surf, and I heard
the sound emanating from the surf, the electrified glass Mexican ukulele equal parts
ice and mercury sound, with just a touch of crystal meth added for seasoning—this
being California and all during that period when speed and crank were like
mother’s milk to some.
There was the music and I never felt that I was betraying my
roots in rhythm and blues, soul, Motown, blues by hoarding disc after disc
featuring that electrified glass Mexican ukulele equal parts ice and mercury with
just a touch of crystal meth sound.
Especially since I pretty much kept it secret from my rhythm and blues,
soul, Motown, and blues loving friends.
Then.
Now? Now I’m an
adult, a senior adult, and I don’t care what anybody thinks. About me.
About music. About anything.
I thumb my nose at the whole bunch of you. Go ahead and sue me. Hah, hah.
So today, or a day like today, when the high is eighteen
degrees (Fahrenheit) and the low is not to be discussed in front of children, I
hit that surf playlist and as Shannon sang in another era, the disco era, “let
the music play.”
The Ventures. Link Wray, inventor of the power chord. Dick Dale, the king of them all, who brought
the Mediterranean to California, via Boston,
with his “Hava Nagila” as written for and played on a nail gun. The Looney Tunes. Who can ever forget that hit by the……uhh,
just a second, it’s on the tip of my tongue—yeah the Blazers… called “Beaver
Patrol.” One of my favorites, for
obvious reasons. And the Esquires, from
Texas of all places. Not much surf in
Texas but there’s some sort of weird connection between Texas and
California. Texas, after all, was the
home to the 13th Floor Elevators who made the greatest psychedelic
rock song ever “You’re Gonna Miss Me,” which was hardly about a summer of
love. That too is another era and another
story.
Now? I’m much, much closer to surfing. Closer than you might imagine. My wife, you see, was born in Hawaii,
honestly. Even has a Hawaiian middle
name, Leilani. Leilani, believe it or
not moved to California, well actually her parents moved but she went with
them.
In California, she surfed.
Honest to god real surfing with a board in the ocean. In Laguna Beach where she lived and then in
Santa Cruz where she lived.
And….Leilani is a real blonde. Strawberry blonde, to be sure, but that’s
close enough. And she wore bikinis, back
in the day.
I hit that playlist and get my surf on. I put on a pair of baggies, my huarache
sandals, my Hawaiian print shirt (100% rayon, naturally), my sunglasses, and
then that thing that pulls it all together, that white stuff on my nose.
Well the table is set, so to speak, as is the mood, and I’m
transported to that time of times which is right now, never was, and always
will be, when it might be freezing cold but forever warm. And my wife, whom I met in New York City, in
January, when we agreed to share a cab to get out of a snowstorm… I call to her
as the music builds. “Honey, grab your
board and your bikini. Surf’s up!”
S. Artesian
January 24, 2013