Putting the MF in IMF

At the same time that the finance ministers of the countries of the European Union were reviewing the proposed IMF-EU e78 billion bailout of Portugal, Judge Melissa Jackson in New York City ruled against releasing Dominique Strauss-Kahn on $1 million bail after he was formally charged charged with attempted rape and sexual assault.

Strauss-Kahn, forgetting that his position at the IMF in no way qualified him for the special treatment afforded to star athletes, film directors, and regular cops, thought he could, with impunity, do to an individual female worker what he had been doing, what he had been hired to do, to entire countries, to millions of people regardless of gender.

The Socialist Party of France, which had looked to Strauss-Kahn as their best hope of returning to the Elysee Palace, reeled in shock and despair at the arrest of Strauss-Kahn. "A banker, and a rapist... he was the most qualified, the most perfect candidate to represent our great country, our great past, our great future," said an official of the party who did not wish to be identified. "Where will we find another man of such stature, embodying everything social democracy stands for now? Alors, dites-moi, monsieur, savez-vous si Kobe Bryant parle français?"

Meanwhile, Roman Polanski has offered to run as a proxy for Strauss-Kahn and proudly carry the banner of social democracy-- bread, roses, and debt bondage-- in the upcoming election.

Strauss-Kahn's attorney intends to conduct a two-pronged defense of the chief MFer. One prong will be to call a number of outstanding personalities as character witnesses for his client. Rumor is that leading off that parade will be OJ Simpson [shackled and accompanied by his state-paid bodyguards] with the ghost of Ted Kennedy to testify next. Mr. Kennedy will communicate by rapping on the defense table.

The second element in the defense strategy is to blame the entire incident on stress, overwork, lack of sleep, and stimulant abuse combining to cause Strauss-Kahn to mistake the female employee for an indebted country. Said the attorney, "In a terrible case of mistaken identity brought on by the long hours Strauss-Kahn has been working to alleviate the world's problems, Dominique confused the female employee with Greece. Or Ireland. Or Portugal. Or maybe Latvia. Or Hungary."